Aidpage is a
support network.
Ask for help
Offer help
Sign up now
Talking about:
44 posts
16,408 visits

Helping Survivors and Victims Heal: Things Not to Say to Someone Recovering

show starting post by AnoraE
Show newest posts...
I was in an abusive relationship when I was eighteen years old. After being beaten, raped, and tortured I returned home to escape my abuser. After telling my mom and trying to seek justice years later my mother said "why can't you move on? Obviously you must not be happy with your life now that you have to write about it and talk about it?" I was so mad she said that to me! My mother says she doesn't know anything about that kind of abuse and she now wishes to live away from me because I am not normal.
Talk to charles05
ToniLB   in reply to Desertguy
Desertguy, that is very beautiful and really sweet....
Talk to ToniLB
My heart breaks for any person who was abused that hears or believes that no one will ever want you. Met a wonderful lady this year. She is kind, considerate, and so much fun to be with. She was abused by her ex-husband, knocked out and beaten up. She still is being harassed by him in various ways and got very upset. I love her very much and have told her so. I will continue to be here for her, and love her unconditionally and sacrificially. She is such a beautiful person and has touched my heart in many ways. I am a better person for having her in my life and pray to God for her emotional, spiritual, and physical well being.
Talk to Desertguy
Thank u so much this helps a lot. I just got out of an abusive relationship not to long ago.
Talk to oceangirl1118
Thank you so so much for writing this! it means a lot to me as a survivor, and hope you don't mind but I am going to keep a copy for myself...
Talk to ToniLB
beenthere...   in reply to mothersscapegoat
i can undersatnd you exactly..from the outside-nice house, nice clothes and so on. my mother hated me and told me she did every opportunity she could in every way possible. i feel for u and since her death 10 years ago-i am finally relaxing. i did the therapy thing, the confiding thing and did not help me because she was the one that needed help. if u can put some diatnace-half way house, friend something-at least u will be able to rest. blessings
Talk to beenthere...
BobbiA   in reply to macdoodle
A few years ago I was badly re-abused by my parents. And I do mean badly. I have never told anyone about it though, just kept it in even though it is very painful. But recently I told my sister about a few of the things our parents did to me. Her answer was to say, "I didn't do those things to you".
I was stunned. Speechless. Stunned. My sister was also abused by our parents. In an email to me in 7 - 2012 , she mentioned she still had problems in her life because of abuse she endured growing up.

So don't ever tell an abuse survivor, I didn't do that to you. Its actually a hateful thing to say and I'm now wondering about my relationship with my sister.
Talk to BobbiA
For me it's been "why didn't you just leave?" or "why didn't you just tell somebody?" I hate those questions. It's not that simple.
Talk to coffeebones
For me, it's the "Didn't you call the police"/"Did you make an official complaint"/ or anything else that basically says to me that it couldn't be that bad if you didn't complain/these things are my fault for not taking official action. Mostly because the people who make them can never see how hard it is and are using it to hold up their status quo.
Talk to DianCandles
You can survive! I appreciate your choice of words, calling yourself a survivor, that is what you are! Be proud of it, it is not an easy accomplishment but so worth the journey.

After 12 years in a bad relationship, I started my life over. While it was rough for a while, I feel that I have overcome my initial challenges and have once again found happiness. I have been out of the relationship for quite some time and remain single by choice. Not because of fear but because I have found myself and enjoy where I'm at in life, all of things I was once denied are now mine - selfish maybe, but I am worthy of every once.

People who chose to speak negatively about abuse are not well informed, so I believe. If someone speaks negatively and you do not appreciate their words, you should create separation between you and that person. For lack of understanding they can become harmful to your healing process. Instead, be around those who can be comforting when needed or those who want to be a friend and help you celebrate life!

Remember, you alone are important!
Talk to MightyOne
mothersscapegoat   in reply to annie46
See, that's what nobody seems to understand. I literally CAN'T escape her. Not for lack of trying, not because I'm lazy or "like being a victim." She is a vicious, deranged, narcissistic psychopath whose only objective in life is to destroy the object of her obsession...which happens to be me. People cannot conceive of the vile and heinous behavior that dominates her every waking moment. Nobody believes me when I tell them what she has done, is doing, and will do. I would love to find a therapist to help me. There have been 4 so far in my life who have told me to cut ties and run. But when a person (and I use the term only because not many people respond well to demon) is allowed to continue abusing someone, allowed to break the law, allowed to do anything she chooses with no consequences, the victim cannot escape, cannot heal, cannot hope. Therapy has helped in small ways but I have no hope of future therapy. I seriously have nothing and no matter what I try to do, every move I make results in more and bigger problems. I have no money, no job, no insurance of any type, no driver license, no possessions (save for a few baskets of clothes), no family, no resources....and she took all of it from me. No I'm not trying to escape responsibility....I know I made choices in life which put me in a position to allow these things to happen to me. But I did not make those choices with any idea that a mother could or would ever be capable of doing what she does, especially now being a mother myself. And my responsibility for my choices does not negate her culpability for the abuse and criminal behavior that she relentlessly inflicts upon me. I am a hard-working, college educated, single mom who made the mistake of hoping my own mother would someday love me or actually possessed a conscience or ability to empathize. Right now, as you're reading this I can almost guarantee you're thinking things like: "it can't really be that bad," "she couldn't be responsible for you losing everything," "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it." Well, it is as bad as I'm telling you. You can't understand because you're human. And no human being with a shred of decency within them can conceive of the evil I've endured, or the complete destruction it has caused. But, a good place to begin trying to understand (as I've only recently discovered myself) is to google "narcissistic mother," "narcissistic victim syndrome," "narcissistic rage," "narcissistic abuse." I finally get why/how this has happened to me, but I have yet to figure out how to make it stop, or how to regain any hope of ever salvaging anything of my life.
Talk to mothersscapegoat
annie46   in reply to mothersscapegoat
Sweetie You have got to get your mother away from you so will have a chance to begin to heal and I pray you will be able to find a Good therapist to help you understand she{ mother} made a choice you as a child did not have or even understand your choices BUT it is NOT your fault!!! Now you are grown it is your choice if you continue to let her take all of your and your son,s future away!! She did have power over you once--- now you can choose to not be around her or give any opportunity at all to hurt you or your son. Your own son does not need to see his mother hurt by any one,, You can give your son something you never had a Good Mother I will be praying for you annie46
Talk to annie46
mothersscapegoat   in reply to Enraged in Burbank
Omg! Seriously! Yes! How can society not see that?!? "She's still your mom so you should (fill in the blank)...." I have yet to meet an average person who can even conceptualize the idea that my MOTHER is the one who destroyed me and won't stop. The things she has done to me are near impossible for society in general to accept are ever perpetrated by anyone at all, least of all a mother. Then I'm accused of being paranoid and/or mentally ill because of the fear of what might come next.
Talk to mothersscapegoat
I want so badly to print this and give it to every person I have ever met but am fairly certain they won't even care enough to read it. I am not a survivor and don't believe I ever will be. The abuse I have endured throughout my entire life, and the never-ending revictimization have killed me. I am an empty shell of loneliness and bitterness and pain. I have begged and cried and screamed and searched for support. I literally have nobody! This is not my victim's fatalistic narcissistic mother has literally taken everything from me or facilitated the compounding of my abuse to the extent that everything I have ever owned, every single family member, and all hope for salvaging anything of my life is gone. And I mean everything. I have $.42 to my name, my 760 credit score that I about killed myself to attain lasted a month before dropping to a 430, I have 16 cans of vegetables, and a few boxes of mac and cheese but no stove, no dishes, no silverware, this phone is my only connection to the world outside of the mold-infested dump my son and I were forced to take refuge in after her false police report and it will be shut off in 3 days. If I thought for a second that anyone would believe me or show the slightest compassion I would spend the next 3 days typing on this tiny keyboard about some of the non-stop abuse I have endured for 33 years...but all I ever hear are the phrases in this article and then some. The worst is: "I don't doubt you believe it happened to you." "Stop always trying to play victim," or "Stop being a victim" are such ridiculous phrases that I just scream, "Don't you think I want to?!? Why do you think I keep begging people to help me make her stop?!?" They tell me to stop being a victim as though that's not exactly what I'm trying to do.
Talk to mothersscapegoat
It's true when you have the courage to speak out, you are on display and some people will find away to blame the victim. I am a victim who broke free from 13 years of constant, mental abuse, which got physical in the end, when he was arrested. I almost didn't go to the police - ran out of the police station and a women ran after me. That began my healing and I am still healing, like a toddler walking for the first time. It hurts when friends turn against you and refuse to see that what you finally have the courage to say after years of hiding it. They try to spread gossip dissecting your life apart with those who don't know you well at all. In perspective, my children and I are a success story - we broke free and I have stopped the cycle of abuse in my children's lives. If I do nothing more with my life than to save my children from abuse and ending that cycle so that they will be surrounded with love, respect and honor for themselves and others -I have succeeded. To those that continue to judge - they were never friends and I am grateful to see clearly now who my true friends are. =)
Talk to Lilysongbird
4 leaf Clover
My best friend just told me "when he is doing good he treats me like a queen." he has accused her of looking for sex with others beecause she went to a bar. I don't even know what to say to her, other than run!
Talk to 4 leaf Clover
I loved reading this! I always considered myself a victim but I am a survivor, because I stopped the cycle. I've had people say how to move on and get over it. Ha! Easy for them to say. Knowledge is power!
Talk to Lindafromoregon
I would love to share my story of survival. Please go to my website:

Thank you
Talk to Sunshine50
I have found survivors to be the ones who have hearts filled with compassion towards others hurting. That in my mind makes them stand out and makes them some of the most beautiful people there are.

I like this comment so true.
Talk to snowstorm
Enraged in Burbank
The comment that enrages me the most is... She is your MOTHER, you should forgive her. HUH? The fact that she is my "mother" makes it MORE atrocious, not less. If I was attacked by a stranger, I doubt I would hear this "forgive her" comment. Another comment that enrages me... "She did the "best" she could" How ridiculous is that! Or how about... that is how it was "in those days" I'm 45 years old as if systematic torture was acceptable in 1970s? These ignorant fools really piss me off!
Talk to Enraged in Burbank